So Brian went to San Fransisco this week to meet with PWC (PriceWaterhouseCoopers for those who are not current on the accounting lingo) and also to spend some time with family. It's been interesting living in an apartment complex for married people with out my married person here with me. In fact I've realized several times today, the only times I have uttered a verbal word are when Brian calls our home phone, when we Skype or in class like 3 times. Which is why interestingly enough, some one in my class tonight was chatting with me and asked me i had a cold or something, I hadn't even realized it but my voice had gone raspy from inactivity. I was shocked.
If you also consider the fact that my cell phone died about two weeks ago and Brian is bringing me back my new one everything may make more sense. I would have talked more had I a means of communicating. but our home phone can only call 801 numbers and I don't have any one's phone numbers anyway...
I have had a lot of time to just think though. You can only watch so much Wizards of Waverly Place before you run out of episodes. (yes I did in fact watch all episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place which are currently available on Netflix instant play) Also sparked by a conversation I had with mi amigo in my class I came upon some deeper thoughts which i would like to share. And even get opinions, because I am as of this moment not solid on my stance. that may adjust as I write more however.
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| That ends the light-hearted portion of my blog. feel free to stop here. I know you might get curious and continue but really do feel free to stop at any time. |
So in class my friend just happen to ask me about a specific topic that happens to be connected to some unpleasant memories for me. This friend had no idea of the unpleasant nature of this topic and did not in any way intend to bring up a painful topic. But after answering the questions I was asked of course my mind lingered to those memories. The more I dwelt on what was a very hard time for me in my life, the more I felt that heart wrenching feeling. Hopefully you have no idea what feeling I am referring to but if you do I don't know a better way to describe it. Just that feeling that comes from some place so deep with in and you don't know exactly if its your head or heart or stomach, but all of the above just ache. its almost like a giant cannon ball went right through you like you see on the looney toons. In my drive home from class the feelings just kept getting worse and worse because I was thinking more and more about those memories. And I began to think to myself about psychology, and the nature of treatment for traumatizing events.
I was thinking about how in any traumatic situation, a psychologist/psychiatrist will ask you to stir up those old memories, to force them to resurface and to face those memories to deal with them. Today for the first time, I had the thought that this might be the worst practice on the whole face of the earth! Obviously I see merit to it, if you just suffocate those memories so deeply it will only eat at you and fester until it creates serious emotional damage. But what if you are able to successfully suppress into non-existence those painful memories.
Even if you are not able to completely remove the memories, what if you were able to detach yourself enough from the memories to forget the pain at least. Would that not be more beneficial? I feel like by forcing an individual to confront that pain and deal with it, if it is still painful to think about then it must be too painful to confront. To really get control of such memories, isn't it crucial to be in complete control of yourself and be stable emotionally? I know when i feel those heart wrenching gut feelings I would not call my self captain stable.
